I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.