What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.