Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.