The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it