What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"