Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps