Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Air resistance is a real drag.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.