My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.