Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What is the study of real estate? Homology
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.