Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.