Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.