Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!