Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.