Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.