Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.