What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"