Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.