Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.