How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash