What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"