Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...