My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What is the study of real estate? Homology
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Air resistance is a real drag.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.