Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.