What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Air resistance is a real drag.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.