My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Air resistance is a real drag.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows