My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?