Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."