I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.