Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!