What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.