Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Biology - It grows on you.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.