What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome