Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.