What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin