Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.