My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.