Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.