How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)