I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!