I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.