Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.