What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.