I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.