Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."