Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.