My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.