Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.