What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.