You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box