What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.