What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.