Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.