I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.