Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.