Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."