Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.