She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
To get to the other tide.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.