Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.