What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.