I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.