Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.