Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.