Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.