Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues