Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet