Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.