I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.