Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.