Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.