What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice