I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry