Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
The sun is just a big space heater.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Biology - It grows on you.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.