Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
That boy narrated his-story really well.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.