I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”