How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.