There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.