Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea