What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Biology - It grows on you.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.