Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Biology - It grows on you.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.