I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
To get to the other tide.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.