It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!