What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!