What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J