My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up