Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.