My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.