Do you find bone puns humerus?
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.