Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.