How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Air resistance is a real drag.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.