What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
The sun is just a big space heater.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.