What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.