I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke