Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.