Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.