My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot