I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.