Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.