I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"