What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.