Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
The sun is just a big space heater.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"