How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Don't get tide down.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!