Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Don't get tide down.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Avoid pier pressure.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.