If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.