What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
You’re my heartthrob.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
I have a heart-on for you.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.