I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
You’re my heartthrob.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
I have a heart-on for you.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!