Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
You’re my heartthrob.