One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I have a heart-on for you.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse