How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
You’re my heartthrob.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
"Lazy bones."
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.