Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.