What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
I have a heart-on for you.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.