Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!