Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
"Dying to have fun."
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
"Bone to be wild."
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.