Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.