What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.