Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”