"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.