Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.