If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.